At this point it just feels like the universe is punishing me. Perhaps this is the result of one of my many cosmically bad takes, but every time there is new news about the espresso martini—the objectively worst coffee cocktail—that I am compelled to write about, I can’t help but get the sense that someone, or something, has a personal vendetta against me. And so it is that the latest emissary of getting exactly what I deserve comes from none other than Neil Patrick Harris. The beloved actor teamed up with Thomas Ashbourne Craft Spirits for a brand-new canned espresso martini. Et tu, Neil?
As reported by People, the After Hours Espresso Martini is the latest in a line of RTD espresso martinis that have hit the shelves as part the 1980’s coffee cocktail’s reemergence as a “cool drink.” With NPH as the spokesperson, the After Hours Espresso Martini is “all natural, gluten free, kosher,” and comes in at a very reasonable 12% ABV. “Best served shaken cold over ice,” the latest Thomas Ashbourne beverage is “bursting with aromas of Arabica and extra dark roast espresso beans, hints of vanilla, and rich dark chocolate.” Which, as a coffee person, feels like a personal attack. Is there both Arabica AND extra dark roast espresso beans of non-Arabica origins? What’s the roast level of the Arabica? And on what planet does “extra dark roast” not sound terrible and like it’s trying too hard? The only reasonable conclusion to draw? They are trying to spite me, Zac Cadwalader of Sprudge fame.
This is not Thomas Ashbourne’s first celebrity collaboration. They have previously released bottled RTD cocktails featuring Vanessa Hudgens, Rosario Dawson, and Ashley Benson—all sharing the same margarita for some reason—as well as Sarah Jessica Parker with her pink cosmo and Playboi Carti’s white wine-inspired Hardscatto.
For Harris, collaborating on an espresso martini was an obvious choice. “We were trying to think of something that people would crave that there aren’t a lot of representations of. The espresso martini is the sweet spot for me,” Harris said, again taking shots at me personally, making it known publicly that he hasn’t been following my very courageous reporting on the subject over the past two years.
Still, if you want to take NPH’s side of this little spat, you can pick up cans or bottles of the After Hours Espresso Martini by Thomas Ashbourne Craft Spirits and Neil Patrick Harris via the Thomas Ashbourne’s official website or big box liquor stores nationwide.