So this is it, this is how it all ends, huh. Not with a bang, but a whimper.
I kind of hoped the downfall of coffee would have had a little bit more pizazz, some panache, a certain je nais se quois. What I didn’t foresee—and really I should have with the way these sorts of things have been going—was the banal madlibs version of the singularity that was going to be coffee’s ultimate undoing.
And so it is that the caffeinated serpent has begun to chow down on its own tail, working its way toward its head until nothing is left but a single point from which no light can escape. Starbucks is releasing a Pumpkin Spice Espresso Martini.
Per Mass Live, the new drink, along with all manner of pumpkin spiced things, began rolling out nationwide at the end of August (because the only season that matters is pumpkin spice seasoning). But unlike many of the other PSItems we have previously and begrudgingly reported on while the temperature holds steady well above 100°, the Pumpkin Spice Espresso Martini is special. It is Reserve.
Somehow this is the 20th anniversary of the Pumpkin Spice Latte, which is funny when you think about it. Does it not feel as though the Pumpkin Spice Latte has always been here? Part of the shadow fabric of life, the duality of man, archangel and Beezelebub, the stalking horse that mocks us ‘tween the midst of life and death? Because it is Reserve, items like the Starbucks Reserve Pumpkin Spice Latte, Pumpkin Spice Whiskey Barrel-Aged Iced Latte, and yes, the Pumpkin Spice Espresso Martini can only be consumed inside of Starbucks Reserve locations in New York City, Seattle, Chicago, Shanghai, Tokyo, and Milano.
We have, it seems, completely run out of new ideas and are left to combine the lowest common denominator with the lowerest common denominator for something truly unholy. We’re just throwing coffee words in a hat and plucking them out until we’ve filled up our fall late-summer menus with cheugy retro-chic popular nostalgia.
Live, laugh, love. Eat, pray, Sprudge. But first, enjoy a Pumpkin Spice Espresso Martini. Embroider it on a pillow and smother me in my sleep. Farewell, sweet coffee. It was a good run.